Quit trying to relive your glory days. You graduated 15 years ago and haven’t touched a football since. You aren’t “buff” in fact, you are overweight. The ladies on the treadmills aren’t impressed by your narcissistic flexing routine in front of the mirrors and, sorry to burst your bubble, but yelling “HHUUUHHHHH” at the top of your lungs with each rep doesn’t make you a badass.

Hang up your weight belt and stop cutting the sleeves off your t-shirts. Stop with the faux-hawk. Stop wearing sunglasses to the gym at night. Don’t get any more barbed-wire arm tattoos and, I beg you, stop chapping all of our asses.

Big thanks to Jason Cherry for the Chap!