Oh...that's where they are!

NO SHIT ASSHOLE!!!! It’s a timeless event that leaves everybody pissed. Whether it’s you or the people around you, everyone is affected by a lost item. It could be keys, the remote control, your wallet, or perhaps a cheeto that fell out of your hands. Of course you have the person that goes, “Why don’t you check where you left it last?” WELL NO SHIT EINSTEIN!

Now before I go on saying how stupid everyone is, this is an event that we are all guilty of. We’ve all been on both ends of the bargain but being the looker is terrible. However, you can be excuse by use of over-excessive drinking. That’s the one time where you losing your cell phone can be acceptable. Everything needs to come with a sensor…that way nothing is lost.

Why?!

Good morning cherubs. Do you know what’s coming up in the next week or so? If guessed that pool season is coming to a close, you’re spot on. Have you been to a pool this year? Have you seen the lovely specimens that go there? If you haven’t, you’re one lucky bastard and I envy you. It’s a great place to go people watch, but be advised, it’s not like airport people-watching (the good kind).

 Here’s a few of my observations to share with you.

1.) Turns out, people have no shame. Or mirrors for that matter.

2.) Bathing suits are no longer a requirement. Apparently, bras and panties qualify as swimwear. Who knew?

3.) The pool could be mistaken as a “I’m Pregnant and in a Bikini” convention if everyone in a bikini were actually pregnant with septuplets, and didn’t just look like it.

4.) It’s worth repeating: People have no shame. WHY?! I mean, good for you that you have confidence, but on the other hand, my cornias are burning with rage and are begging my brain to relay a message to my hands that require them to take a fork and stick it in them. It’s hard to fight that urge.

I’m sure there’s a lot more things I’m leaving out, but I’m getting nauseous just writing about it. Feel free to add your own horrors in the comments.

Make it "10 items or less" or "all you can carry"

There should be a new rule about self-checkout lanes at the grocery store, particularly Jewel because that’s where I go. It should be 10 items or less or all you can carry, especially in busy times of the day. I had to stand behind some slow ass WNBA hopeful as she clogged up the only lane open with her overfilled cart. At what point did she think that would be acceptable to the people behind her? If you think about it, because your scanning and bagging everything yourself, you are taking WAY more time doing that. And you see the picture above? Not a whole lot of room to put your items after scanning, especially when that dumb machine expects you to put the items you just scanned on that ledge.

I was über mad because I was in a rush and this predicament forced me to go into another lane that forced me to interact with people. Ugh!

Please people when I die…if you really loved me at all…Do not…I repeat DO NOT honor my memory by way of a bumber sticker type sticky on the rear windshield of your car.  Why do this?  I see multiple of these “In memory of so and so 1928-2000″  during my daily commute.  Do you want me to feel sorry for you that you know someone who died?  Normal I consider myself to be a pretty empathetic soul.  However your complete lack of appropriate grieving and attention seeking behavior is what really causes me concern…and quite honestly chaps my ass!

Cheesus!

I hate stories like this because people have WAY too much time on their hands. I’ll admit, I was intrigued by the person who sold a potato chip on eBay for $50 (or whatever) because it looked like the state of Illinois. I was only intrigued because I thought I could dupe people into giving me their money for a chip. Can’t blame you for making some quick cash from stupid people.

Well, apparently some woman opens a bag of delicious Cheetos and finds one that looks like Jesus. So rather than just popping that sucker down her throat-hole like any normal person would, she holds the damn thing and decides “Hey, I got a Jesus Cheeto! I’m calling the news right away! I must spread the word!” Are you kidding me? It’s a fucking Cheeto and you’re trying to pull it off as our Lord and savior? Did I mention she’s keeping it in a safe deposit box? Yeah. She’s waiting to collect the Mary and Joseph Cheetos to complete the set so she can show it to Jesus himself during the Rapture. Then Jesus will decide she’s not going with because it looks NOTHING like him. Saying he looks like a Cheeto? So disrespectful…

These jackasses are in the top 5 of my obnoxious people list. There’s nothing I hate more than to be told the same thing over and over again. If I am supposed to do something and I say I understand it, then I understand it. I don’t need you to underestimate my intelligence and repeat it again and again within a 30 second period. It gets old. And you know when it gets really old? When every sentence you say is repeated at least 3 times. Not only are you wasting my time, but you are wasting my patience. If you are so paranoid that it will not get done right, then please, go do it yourself.

Do you know how much energy it takes to conjure up that much patience? Yeah, a lot. My brain feels like it just went through a blender after talking to you.

Alright you guys, say cheese

Why is that tourists are obsessed with taking picures of every single place they go in the city. Being from Chicago, I have the priviledge of enjoying what the city has to offer every day. So call me biased, but I can never explain why people love to take a picture of the Starbucks they orderd from, or the Chipotle burrito they are eating. I blame technology. If it wasn’t for memory cards getting smaller in size but LARGER in memory, these pictures wouldn’t exist. Twenty years ago, nobody would waste an exposure of their film to get a shot of them outside of Dunkin Donuts. But thanks to 10GB memory sticks, we get to treat our friends and family to the beauty of chain restaurants and stores in a big city. Once again, technology has beaten me again.

worst movie ever!

There have been a lot of ridiculously absurd movies that have come out over the years, and I don’t think I have to see this one before I say it takes the cake. I can’t help but fear for the survival of mankind’s intelligence when a movie such as this gets put into production. What genius gave the green light for this crap?

I can sadly say I involuntarily watched this trailer. Some sick mind thought it would be funny to have this preview before Hellboy. That guy is a douchbag. I would have posted the trailer here, but I respect you and your mind and would never subject you to that horror. I am not here to promote Idiocracy. I just want to scare you into reading a book or something.

Today, as I am going to lunch I encountered a rare phenomenon. No, I am not talking about a falling star, a quadruple axle by Oksana Baiul or even the site of Oprah’s eleventh toe. I am referring to a certain pair of adult Hanes white, possibly light gray sweatpants. This was a peculiar site to see for a couple of reasons: a) being the fact these were dropped in the middle of a stair case landing in the middle of the day, b) the fact that I remembered an unpleasant smell upon walking up the stairs, and c) the fact that someone went totally Tony Montana on these sweatpants with their mud cannon. What I am trying to say is that someone, in Chicago is walking around pant less, after shatting themselves silly in a public stairwell. Not under any circumstance is this acceptable to do in a stairwell, nor anywhere but the privacy of your own bathtub. I mean, how could anyone allow himself or perhaps herself to have their poop pipe be put in such a situation where they soil their pants with poo poo. I know there are some incurable diseases out there, but I have never heard of one where someone has to poo poo himself so bad that they obliterate their Hanes rotten.

HUMMBRELLA!!!

Alright, listen up! I really can’t stand people with their huge ass umbrellas. Seriously, I am walking down the side walk, trying not to be swept away from all the rain and wind and I have to dodge these inconsiderate people with these huge “golf” umbrellas. It would be one thing if these people would scoot to one side as far as they could so they don’t knock into you with those spikes on the umbrellas. I completely understand, no one wants to get wet, but they make more appeasing umbrellas. It is kind of like driving a Geo Metro and being blasted by a hummer. I guess the people who buy the Hummers, you know what they say, try to make up for what they don¹t have. Maybe these people with tent umbrellas are trying to replace incompetence in their lives. Please be more considerate with your choice of umbrella. Don’t be a hummer.